Dreaming of an All-Inclusive Christmas

December 21, 2013

Liberals should make up their minds about Santa Claus. First, they censor any public display of Christmas and even make us feel uncomfortable about wishing others a “Merry Christmas.” Then they want an affirmative-action black Santa or, worse still, a penguin Santa.

The penguin Santa was suggested by Slate columnist Aisha Harris, who was traumatized by growing up with both a white Santa and a black Santa. If Heather can adjust to having two mommies, you would think Aisha could adjust to having two Santas. But all of this exposure to western cultural icons clearly creates an emotional burden for non-white Slate columnists, especially when the fat, white guy is more widely accepted than the black guy in a clear case of disparate impact.

But suggesting that Santa be replaced by a penguin is really silly, since penguins have no laps for kids to sit on and they smell like fish.

Harris’ suggestion sparked controversy when Megyn Kelly insisted on Fox News that Santa really is white. As a result, some liberal media charged Kelly with being a racist (not for the first time). Everyone benefited, as controversy was created during a slow news cycle and both Slate and Fox presumably received a nice bump in page views.

Maybe Harris is right, though, and it is time to rethink Santa. Historically, Santa is about as multicultural as can be, with European versions ranging from the Dutch Sinterklaas to the French Pere Noel. Yet today’s Santa has become pretty homogenized and, carrying all that weight around, he’s not the best role model for our children.

So let’s have a black and a white Santa, but why stop there? Here are a few alternatives that can bring us a more enlightened Christmas:

Obama Santa. He’s a multiracial Santa, but calls himself black. Rather than give presents to everyone, he takes whatever he can from those who have been nice and redistributes it to those who have been naughty, because equality of outcome is more important than fairness. He keeps a large cut for himself.

Jewish Santa. If Jesus Christ is Jewish, why not Santa? Maybe he wears that red cap to hide his Yamaka.

Gay Santa. That macho white guy must be especially intimidating to the GLBT community. Maybe we need two gay Santas – Santa Claus, who is legally married to Mr. Claus, and Sandra Claus, who is legally married to Mrs. Claus. Sorry, but the world’s not quite ready for transgendered Santa. It’s hard enough to explain Santa to the kids.

PETA Santa. Reindeer have rights, too! This year, Santa’s elves will be strapped to the sleigh. Let’s see how they do lugging presents all over the world.

Anorexic Santa. We’ve had a binge-eating type 2 diabetic Santa for long enough. For true inclusiveness and balance, it’s time to go in the other direction. Just don’t sit on Santa’s lap, kids. He has osteoporosis and he might break a few bones.

Atheist Santa. At last, a Santa that the American Civil Liberties Union can embrace. Atheist Santa will free Christmas from all of that religious nonsense.

Green Santa. Save the trees. Put a virtual tree on your computer screen and Green Santa will e-mail you your virtual presents.

Generic Santa. Why not create a truly multicultural Santa by blending all possible skin colors and making Santa androgynous. The result may be repulsive, but at least no one will be offended.

Tea Party Santa. No presents for you until you start living within your means.

Hippie Santa. Santa may already be a hippie, given his long hair and beard. He’s not exactly an establishment type and, as Arlo Guthrie once asked, “What’s in that pipe that he’s smokin’?”

Maybe in the spirit of multicultural unity, we should have a white Kwanzaa while we’re at it.


New blog

Great article. But you butchered the spelling of "yarmulke" ("Yamaka?" really?)

Sorry about that.  I did look

Sorry about that.  I did look online and Yamaka was one of the accepted spellings, along with Yarmulke ... and I believe is should be capitalized.

Anyway, thanks for your comment and thanks for reading my blog.


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